Guide to post Brexit weddings

As I write this, Teresa May is making her speech laying out her plans for the UK’s departure from Europe.  It’s the perfect time for me, being and acknowledged expert in the field, to educate all you brides and grooms about what Brexit means for your wedding.   Of course, you know that your plans for your “big day” can’t go ahead unaffected by the referendum result, however I doubt many of you will know the extent of the disruption you may face.   I will try to explain some of the main points.

 

Let’s start with the obvious ones.

 

Sparkly dance floors:  You will know that the real name for the sparkly dance floor is Chaumont Sol, after the French town of that name where 100% of the worlds twinkly floors are made.  You may not know that these glimmering boards have PDO designation.  This Protected Designation of Origin status means that after we leave the EU we will no longer have free access to them and face the prospect of having our first dances without LED’s illuminating our nether regions.

 

Wedding Cakes:  I don’t need to tell you that you won’t get Black Forrest Gateau (German),  Sachertorte (Austrian) or Cassata (Italian).  However, I’m sorry for all you achingly on-trend couples who will have to forgo the Macarons (French).  I know it’s hard to perceive a wedding without a precarious pyramid of brightly coloured edible yo-yo’s but that’s the price we pay for straight cucumbers.

 

Fiancé and Fiancée:  Sorry, French words so no longer permitted.  Hard to police this one and I’m sure you won’t be arrested for accidentally using it but you will certainly draw some disapproving glances from passing brexiteers.  The Department for Exiting the European Union suggest using the phrase “my betrothed” instead.

 

Wedding dresses (gowns):  Moves are afoot to make it compulsory for every wedding dress to openly convey true British values.  The idea at the moment is that designs must include something emblematic of Britain.  That may be a sequined bulldog or a perhaps a diamante encrusted image of a pork pie.  It may be as subtle as using red, white and blue ribbons but one thing is certain, and will be enshrined in law as soon as we are out of the EU, and that is that dresses can only be of Empire line in design.

 

Food and Drink:   This one is really quite straightforward and I think actually simplifies the planning process.  From November, the 13th 2017, the betrothed couple will be limited to an authorised list of British foods which can be served to guests.  This list includes approved starter, main course and desert options.  Vegetarian, hallal and kosher options are to be outlawed as they are deemed to be unpatriotic.   There is still some discussion on what the final options will be but I can’t imagine them not containing at least some of the following:- Jellied Eels, fish and chips, beef wellington, roast potatoes, tomato soup, shepherd’s pie, Yorkshire pudding, trifle, battenburgh, treacle tart and steak and kidney pie.  All delicious, I’m sure you agree and positively reeking of the blitz spirit.   Unfortunately some foods will definitely be outlawed and so far that list contains: –  French onion soup, Moules Frites, all types of pasta, anything containing olive oil, parmigiana, paella, salami, pepperoni and coleslaw.

 

In terms of alcohol.  All wine will need to either be British in origin (yuck) or from out with the EU.  So, we are ok for New World wines from the likes of Australia, California, Argentina.  The regulation pertaining to beer is stricter.  Only Carling lager or John Smiths bitter have been approved.  On the banned list, so far is all the foreign stuff like Perroni, Stella, Guiness and Carlsberg.   Tennants lager is also banned until Scotland agrees to wholeheartedly support brexit.

 

 

 

Wedding Cars:  Must be from a British manufacturer and must have been registered prior to 1980.  This ensures that no cars produced after the maker was consumed by a German company can “slip through the net”.  Special exceptions have been made for the Nissan Qashqai and Micra.

 

 

 

Those are the most obvious changes which will affect UK couples but there are some other points up for discussion which my contacts tell me are almost certain to be introduced.  These include…  All wedding ceremonies must begin with a rendition of God Save the Queen and every indoor venue with a licence to hold weddings must have a portrait of Nigel Farage on display.

 

Any bride or groom with a vaguely foreign sounding name must adopt a traditional British type name like George, Wayne, Chantelle, Kevin or Agnes for the ceremony, much the same way as a Bangalore call centre worker does when trying to convince you there is something wrong with your computer.

 

 

 

I hope this short informative post helps you and I’m sure you agree that, Apart from a considerable increase in the cost of everything and the obvious inability to get married to anyone who can’t explain the Duckworth Lewis cricket scoring system oh and of course being unable to go on honeymoon anywhere European, or to be in a plane flying over anywhere European, then you can pretty much plan the wedding as normal (following the rules of course).