It will not have escaped you that wedding magazines, websites, forums and blogs always have A-Z’s providing 26 “handy” tips and saccharine sweet advice about relishing the day, choosing the right favours and where to buy those really cute bridal onsies.
I love all that stuff, honest, but there is room for providing realism too. Here is the curmudgeon’s (some may say realists) wedding A-Z.
A is for Annul. Did you know you can have your marriage annulled if your spouse had an STD when you got married? Cheery start to the A-Z eh? Also if it wasn’t consummated, weirdly though this rule doesn’t apply to same sex marriages.
B is for Best man, who the bride will secretly either hate or secretly wish she was marrying. B is also for Bridesmaids. A constant source of aggravation. Why does she seem disinterested? Why has she put on weight? Why did she get that tattoo on her chin? How dare she get pregnant!!
C is for Creepy uncle who gets a bit too drunk and a bit handsy. C is also for Complaining. Guests will complain (not to you) about… drink prices, seating plan, dry chicken, crap favours and long speeches.
D is for Dress. Are you all really ok with paying a fortune for a dress which you then have to pay more to make fit you? All I’m saying is that a guy would make do. D is also for Debt.
E is for Evening guests who you don’t like enough to invite to the full day.
F is for Fascinator, stupid name for a crazy hat thing. Doesn’t keep you warm, doesn’t keep the rain off. Pointless. F is also for First kiss, no tongues please.
G is for Garter. Again, pointless, it ain’t holding anything up.
H is for Hen do. One last chance to catch chlamydia. H is also for harp. WTF is it with weddings and harps? Does anyone ever listen to harp music apart from at a wedding?
I is for Indifference. This is what most folk feel about your wedding, accept it. All they really care about is the free food and drink. I is also for Inviting. Inviting random people you barely know because your parents want to show off.
J is for Jilted, I’m just saying, it could happen.
K is for Kilt. If it’s a rental then please remind your groom to wear pants. Don’t want your man’s little man flopping around where others have done before.
L is for Looking beautiful. You will be told you are looking beautiful constantly throughout the wedding day even if you don’t and also by people for whom giving compliments doesn’t come naturally, men.
M is for Mother of the groom. That woman who never really thought you were good enough to marry her little boy.
N is for No-one. That’s the people who give a toss about the chair covers, the table centres, the jam jars, the vintage tea cups and the place cards. Except you, and the companies who are charging you an arm and a leg to supply them.
O is for Order of service. These are so that your bored guests can see how much longer the ceremony has to go before they can drink the free booze.
P is for Prosecco. Take it easy in the morning girls. No-one wants a bride falling arse over tit down the aisle or snogging her father in law in the photobooth.
Q is for Quoll. A carnivorous marsupial native to mainland Australia, New Guinea, and Tasmania.
R is for Restraint. Try not to trawl every wedding blog and use every idea which you see in your own wedding. No-one wants a high fashion, homespun, Christmas themed, beach party style naturist wedding.
S is for Shampagne, I know, I was struggling for an S.
T is for the Thousands and thousands of pounds you have spent for this one day which you ain’t getting back.
U is for Ushers. Generally hopeless. Chosen because they are friends with the groom but not close enough to be best man. Typically hang around in packs, too shy and nervous to do any actual ushering.
V is for Vanity. Is your wedding a vanity project? Will you be absolutely distraught if it doesn’t make it onto Rock My Wedding?
W is for White wedding. Traditionally white was an indication of purity and virginity. Aye right, who you trying to kid?
X is for eXes. Go on invite them. Chances are that at least two of his exes (which he hasn’t told you about) are there.
Y is for Yacht, nothing to do with weddings but you try thinking of a wedding related Y word.
Z is for… See Y.