I love you so here have a padlock.

With valentines day nearly upon us I thought it appropriate to cast a eye over the must have gifts for your loved ones.

Then I decided that since I have practically no interest in lingerie (I said practically), perfume, cuff links (come on people, buttons!!)  or petrol station flowers that I should focus on a more useful and interesting gift.

I found this article in The independant.

For those to lazy to read or even click the link I will give you a Précis.  Nip down to B&Q, buy a padlock, write something soppy on it then lock it on to a piece of street furniture, railing, road sign or homeless person then throw away the key.  This is supposed to represent your unyielding love.  Aye right.


To help you out I decided to scan the web to find you some of the best padlocks available.

I didn’t have to look far.  There is a site called  They also sell cables and chains so they are clearly misleading the public.  Not to the extent of putting donkey in your lasagna but still.



Abus make some of the finest padlocks in the world.  Check out this beauty.

The Abas Extreme


This is the Abus Extreme.  The ABUS Extreme range has evolved from their 83 series which led the way in high security padlocks. The Extreme Series uses the same technology in terms of high security features such as ball bearing locking which prevents level and force torsion attached with crow bars. They also use special anti-pick barrels and hardened alloy steel shackles.

You will want a extreme lock just in case an ex girlfriend wants to split you up and in a semi-mental rage she thinks that removing the padlock in an industrial Voodoo like way will end your tender and loving relationship.





If there is no chance of an disgarded lover seeking revenge then you would probably get away with a less robust model.  In that case give some thought to the Masterlock  Zenex Safety Padlock

Its Green

Eye catching in a choice of attractive colours this really is a young persons padlock.  It is made from a Xenex alloy which is composite material, it consists of polycarbonate, polyester, mineral and glass fibres. They can withstand temperatures from -70 to +350 F, are resistant to impact and resistant to both UV and chemical corrosion.

It is also resistant to tears, lack of trust, regret and drinking to forget.





I’m even boring myself now.

Where I a tragic, hopelessly romantic idiot in a relationship with an equally superstitious and gullible dipshit I would have to fulfill my boyish craving for something techy in my padlock.  For that I would turn to the Xena Classic Alarm Padlock.

Its got a bloomin’ alarm! How cool is that?


Don’t assume that this is a gimmick since it contains an alarm. (oh no, that would be foolhardy)  Even with the alarm disabled it is one of the most secure padlocks at an excellent price.

It is the first and only high-end alarm padlock on the UK market and is the culmination of XENA’s 10 years of experience at the cutting-edge of padlock design.The body is constructed from solid stainless steel using a huge 16mm thick shackle for maximum resistance agaist cutting and bolt croppers. A thin shackle version is available for use with chains. You could chain a sheep to a bed with this one.




Right then there you go.  Forget edible undies, chocolate, champagne or giant padded cards stained by the blood of indian children in conditions of forces labour.  Nothing says I love you like the wasteful misuse of security hardware.


Craig x




According to my insurance company, nothing but a “closed shackle” padlock will suffice.

I had to buy one of these so that they would cover stuff stored in a lock up.

So if you REALLY want to declare your undying love you know which to go for.

I’d post a photo (I have several) but there’s no such facility.


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