Ok men, If you have left it late to buy into the beautiful (and totally not consumerist nonsense) pagan festival that is valentines day then you can relax. I am here to share my massive experience of the ladies to help you to find the perfect last minute gift. I am to women what Robert Peston is to the banking crisis, what Mr T is to jewellery. So here goes.


They need to be kept busy.

The ladies love housework. They really can’t get enough of it. You owe it to the one you love to make the housework interesting and rewarding. These days the weaker sex is bombarded with adverts and subliminal messages promoting devices designed to make the housework easier. Take it from me, in the long run they won’t thank you for buying any of these labour saving devices.

To keep your partner happy, healthy and tested to her peak mental capacity you need to give her one of these beauties.

31F6G6kWYFL._SY450_ A carpet sweeper. A PROPER carpet sweeper like your bitter, openly racist granny would have had. Forget your Dyson and your multi vortex crap, she wants one of these babies.




Most can read now.

Chicks dig books, they do! Since the early 70’s, when girls where first routinely taught to read in schools, the number of books bought by ladies has grown by 73.2%. So get you old lady a book. However you need to select the book carefully. While you enjoy the romance and homoeroticism of an Andy McNab or the beguiling whimsy of Wayne Rooney’s (auto) biography, that’s not for the ladies. When it comes to buying a book for a girl, the more depressing the better. They like nothing more than a 600 page chronicle of a deeply religious family’s toil though civil war, polio, sex abuse, antiquated planning regulations, poor TV reception, infidelity, alcohol abuse and missed Yodel deliveries. If it is set in Ireland then you really can’t go wrong. Get her this book and you will be on M&S ready meals for a month, BLISS!


No-ones perfect.

Fat control pants. Nothing says “I Love You” more than making her aware that you are aware of her physical shortcomings and that you are prepared to spend up to £15 to do something about it.




Now they may pretend to have no interest in such things but take it from me all the ladies love a Remote Control Helicopter. These have for too long been portrayed as “boys Toys”, they are not. They have so many uses for the woman in your life that she will wonder how she has managed without one for this long. For instance, women tend to be short, which makes dusting up high tricky. With the simple addition of a feather duster she can sit on the sofa and watch Homes Under The Hammer out of the corner of her eye while removing those pesky cobwebs from the corners of the ceiling.


This one comes with an inbuilt camera to allow her to look over neighbours fences and spy into their houses to see what they get up to when us men are out working hard to put shoes on the kids feet. She will be able to see if her friend’s house is ‘really that tidy’ all the time.



A nice day out.

You may be giving some thought to perhaps a romantic meal in an expensive restaurant, STOP! Take it from me, you will score much more good husband points by taking her to where all women feel their most happy, Ikea. Get there early and make a day of it. Sit on all the sofas. Even if the only difference between two sofas is the colour of the cover that doesn’t mean they won’t feel different when you both sit down (of course they do but try telling her that). Take time to get the height just right on 12 office chairs and see the look of delight on her little face when you suggest you hold hands and brows the Marketplace together.

Why not, just for 5 minutes, give her her dream lifestyle by having an argument in one of the ultra-modern show kitchens.

Remember if you have an Ikea family card you can get unlimited coffee.


In truth I have probably left it too late for any of these things so just make her a card out of an old cereal packet then nip to the petrol station for a tub of Hagen Daz.

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